Dear Pink Hair Girl,

I know this is a common phenomenon, but so far, I haven’t talked to anyone who can really clear this one up for me. No matter what I do, I always seem to wind up in the friend zone. I’m living proof that nice guys finish last.  When I meet a girl I’m into, she’s always talking about some guy who’s treating her like crap, and all she does is hope that he changes. Meanwhile, I’m right in front of her, wanting to treat her the way she deserves to be treated. People have said that I have to stop being so nice, but I don’t want to pretend to be an asshole, and treat a girl like crap, just to get her to like me. Also, coming out and telling a girl that I like her never works, that’s when I get the dreaded line no one wants to hear, “Let’s just be friends.”  So I want to know, how do I keep myself from getting into the friend zone, without resorting to acting like a jerk?

Mr. Nice Guy,

Dear Mr N.G.

I got some good news, and I got some bad news. And since this is my advice column, I’m going to make the executive decision to start with the good news first. The good news; there are plenty of nice guys who wind up with wonderful girls and have fulfilling romantic relationships. It’s true because I personally know tons of them!  The bad news, you’re doing something wrong, and if you want your circumstances to change, YOU will have to change. I’m not talking about a complete 180, ala the The Mask.  But it might be worthwhile to point out the Cameron Diaz was more into a guy with a freaky green face, monumental ADHD, and who stored all his belongings in his pants, than one with a steady job, a cute dog, and willingness to treat her like a goddess.

It all boils down to creating tension, which in the right circumstances, leads to attraction. Bad boys (AKA Assholes) do it through piling on things like:

• Scarcity – I need my space
• Mystery – Don’t worry about what I was doing last night
• Absence of Affection – Yeah, whatever, I’ll call you later

But genuinely good guys who girls enjoy dating, do it through:

• Flirting – Damn, what you just did there was hot
• Playful Teasing – You enjoy sausage for breakfast? I’m not surprised.
• Independence – Sorry, I’m busy on Saturday, but what are you up to on Sunday?

www.mroblivious.com

But missing these things is such a prolific occurrence in the geek community. Guys who perpetually wind up in the ‘Friend Zone’ usually make the mistake of going from zero to ‘let’s get to know each other’. They start with building trust, and totally skip the initial attraction that happens during first impressions. When you may not be the most socially affluent person, but you know how to be nice, then it’s hard to go on a limb to flirt and tease a girl in ways that build romantic tension. Let me put some perspective on this. Think of one of the girls you got to be good friends with but wanted more. That first time you met her you knew you were into her, you were attracted to her real fast, and you knew you wanted a shot at going out with her. Your first impression of her was not “Man, I could TOTALLY be best friends with this girl!”. No, you wanted a date. And so what did you do?  You started being really really nice to her. You were fascinated by everything she said, and you made it really easy for her to talk to you and feel really comfortable.  And that’s how people become great friends.

For there to be romance, there has to be some tension there.  It’s a common notion that romantic relationships progress through stages: flirting, rapport building, intimacy. If you skip right to rapport and building trust, then the part that makes it romantic is totally not part of the picture for her.  In your mind, you want to be really nice, because that’s how it gets girls to open up to you and feel comfortable. But save the comfortable parts for after the initial flirting phase.  You may not like it, but this HAS to happen. There has to be some poking fun, and there have to be times when you challenge her point of view, use sarcasm when you talk to her, and tease her gently on things you know she’s confident about, just for a laugh. If she’s the type of girl who’s going to get uptight over a little teasing, then she’s probably not the type you want to date anyway.

So, now that you know that, there’s a list of other things to watch out for. Here are some common behaviors I hear reported from guys who complain about getting stuck in the friend zone. Avoid these. Like The Plague.

• You’re her psychiatrist – You listen to her go on and on about her troubles, things that are getting her down. You’re always there to cheer her up with some kind words. She sometimes tells you she feels like she could tell you anything.  While this seems like a great basis for a relationship (and being able to trust a lover with anything IS a great asset in a relationship) if you have both skipped the flirting and tension stage, then this is going in the WRONG direction. Being able to share all her thoughts and feelings with someone she doesn’t flirt with? Listening to her talk about other guys? You might as well be her gal pal. And that’s not to say that at some point, you can listen to her troubles and be a confidant. But it has to wait until AFTER romantic interest has been established. Don’t be her best buddy who listens to her every feeling until she knows through your initial interactions that you mean business. The dating kind. AFTER you guys flirt, and giggle, and tease, and start touching, THEN slowly get into talking about the deeper stuff going on in your lives.
• PRO-TIP: If she’s talking about other guys on a regular basis, it means that she’s taken. Either in her heart, or in her head. That much discussing of other men, means she’s too preoccupied to be thinking of YOU that way.
• You’re too eager/available – She could call you on Friday night at 9PM, and BAM 3 minutes later you’re at her door. While being available is great, it kind of denotes this sense that you must have nothing else going on in your life except her.  And while making a woman your top priority may seem romantic, in the end, it sets you up for emotional incongruity and abuse. A girl who WANTS to be the number one thing in your life, that trumps everything else, including your work/family/obligations/friends is a girl who is likely going to end up walking all over you, and manipulating you into doing whatever she wants, either consciously or subconsciously. You have to go and have your own life. Go on dates with other girls, be hanging out with your friends, be busy, be interesting and social. In the end, you WANT a girl who appreciates that you’ve got a life of your own with your own goals and things you love about your life other than her. 
• Staying ‘Just Friends’ because you get to be close to her – If a long time has gone by, and you begin to get frustrated that things aren’t progressing into something MORE than friends, then it’s time to change things. It’s tempting to just hang around and stay her good friend, because you get to spend time with and be close to a girl you really like.  But that’s not going to be fulfilling if you truly need more from her. And if you don’t need more from her, if you ARE content just being friends with her, then it’s time to focus on seeing someone else as a romantic interest. This means spending less time with her, slowly and naturally just distancing yourself, but having other things to do.
• Telling her you want more, only to be rejected – I’ve seen this go a hundred different ways. But almost all of them end up with, as you say, the thing no one wants to hear. “Let’s just be friends.” If she’s treating you like a friend, and you ask her for more, then what do you expect? If she wanted to be more than friends with you, then she’d be treating you differently. She’s not. Telling her likely isn’t going to change her mind or suddenly open her eyes to this wonderful guy who’s been there all along!  It’s just going to reaffirm to her that you’re a wonderful guy who she wants to continue being a comfortable, close friend with.   Instead, if you want things to change, don’t say anything. Just start changing the way you behave around her. Spend some time away doing your own thing, more and more. You’ll see that soon she starts wanting to hang out more. And when you do decide to start hanging out with her again, try and start the cycle over, this time, starting with flirting.  Actually, turning JUST Friends into a Girlfriend is a whole other topic. Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion…

And finally, just realize that the fact of the matter is that she’s just not really attracted to you that way. If you do find a way to throw in some flirting, and she’s not receptive, it could simply mean that the attraction is just not there on her side of things. And that’s quite alright, give her the time and attention a friend like her deserves and go on and start focusing on other things, or dating other people. It’s unfortunate, but it really will be ok, and it will be for the best. Try something new, maybe take up collecting enchanted masks, or learning to store peculiarly big household items in your pants. I hear Cameron Diaz once dug that sort of thing.

Sincerely,
Pink Hair Girl

If you’ve got a snag in your social life, cramping your g33k style, feel free to ask me for some advice!
Write to pinkhairgirl@g33kwatch.com.