This week’s advice is a follow up from last week’s column: Why Do I Always Wind Up In The Friend Zone?  We last left our write-in, Mr. Nice Guy, with a big ol’ list of why chronic ‘just friends’ sorta guys wind up in the place they do with girls.

When you break it down, people who are perpetually put in the ‘friend zone’ have it happen to them because their first instinct is to make their romantic interest very comfortable. They do this by being highly agreeable, and sometimes put their own thoughts/feelings/desires aside to make sure never to risk letting their ‘friend’ feel anything other than comfortable. Unfortunately, this is not how most romantic interests form, and though friendship-first might seem like a good relationship model to some, to others it just doesn’t work, and no amount of begging, pleading, and rationalizing it can make another person have feelings for you.

My disclaimer on this one, is that getting out of the friend zone is hard. Just as hard as avoiding it in the first place. That being said, here we go.

To put some perspective on turning a friend into more-than-friend, let’s first observe some of the things that perpetual ‘just friends’ people tend NOT to do (Some or all may apply):

• They do not focus more on themselves than on anyone else.
• They do not behave confidently about their own choices and ideas.
• They do not give the impression that they are sexual beings (meaning, they enjoy/want/are interested in physical romance at some point in the present/future, with anyone, at all).

As it happens, I know a lot of geeks who are guilty of these things. And that’s why we’re rife with ‘just friends’ cases I think.

Let’s start at the top. I get push-back for suggesting the first one all the time. “But it’s romantic and sweet when I love someone that much! It shows that I need them and put them first, above all things!”  Bullshit, my friend. It’s only romantic in love songs and romantic comedies. And according to some folks at Cracked, using those as a point of reference for your romantic behaviors is more likely to land you in jail than land you a significant other.(http://www.cracked.com/article_18756_6-romantic-movie-gestures-that-can-get-you-prison-time.html)

I’ll reiterate briefly from my previous column, you WANT a person to appreciate that you are independent and take care of yourself first. That is what adults do, they take care of themselves, on their own. They make their own fun, they have their own ideas, and they are confident enough to stand behind those ideas. Confidence is sexy, and if you set all your needs, desires, and commitments aside for someone else, you come out looking like a total bitch. (The dog kind, not the mean girl kind) No girl wants that… unless she’s into that sort of thing, and then OK, that’s cool, whatever. The important thing is, do YOU really want to be someone’s bitch? If the answer is yes, start researching the BDSM community. (Side note: There are some really interesting philosophies on being someone’s subservient partner there if you’re genuinely into that idea).

So.

Step 1 for getting Out of the friend zone: Spend most of your time away from the person you want to be romantic with.

WARNING: MINOR RANT AHEAD

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While researching for this column, I came across a bunch of articles stating that to get a girl to want to be more than friends with you, you have to appeal to her irrational/crazy/backwards thinking. “You want her to be into you? Ignore her! Because women are crazy, it doesn’t make sense, so that’s why it works!”

So, spending too much time with a guy makes a girl a clingy bitch, but when she’s only attracted to men who are independent, suddenly she’s irrational and crazy? I’LL SHOW YOU CRAZY!! *FLIPS A TABLE* RAAAAHH!!!!

If you have to sink to the level where you tell yourself the girl you’re into is a crazy bitch and you have to act irrationally just to get her to like you WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO DATE HER?  Step one to having a successful relationship is to treat your partner like an adult and an equal capable making decisions that are just as good as yours.

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Slowly start to detach yourself more and more from your friend. You don’t have to tell them you need time away or anything dramatic like that. Just start doing something new without them. Focusing on yourself and spending time away from someone gives you opportunities to build confidence solo, and create more positive things in your own life. It gives THEM time to really think about what it is exactly they enjoy about hanging out with you, and it gives them the opportunity to miss you. It’s important to find something new to focus on for a while, like taking lessons to learn something new, meeting regularly with a new group of people, or dating other people etc. Whatever it is commit to it whole heatedly, and it’ll keep you from being tempted to spend all your time with your crush. On top of that, when your crush hears that you’re out having your own fun, doing your own thing, that’s a sign of independence, confidence, maturity, and a whole slew of other sexy things.

Step 2 for getting out of the friend zone: Learn to Flirt!

Other people have covered this topic way more extensively than I ever could. My suggestion is to go buy something that’s been published that suggests learning the underlying psychology and body language of flirting instead of just looking for random advice on the internet (I know, I’m knocking myself here) Online tips can just be situational, or just opinions. A book has been peer reviewed, edited, and has a lot more space to teach you WHY we flirt and why some things work and other things don’t.

Then it’s up to you. Practice, practice, practice. On other people, that is. Remember you’re supposed to be spending time away from your crush. This may seem like a painful step, but flirting is fun after you get the hang of it. And in no way does it diminish you as a person. It doesn’t make you a sleeze ball, so get that out of your head. Flirting is good for you, it’s an important step to becoming an attractive potential partner, and doubly important for keeping a loving relationship sexually charged in the long run.

And yes, Sex. Yeah, I said it. SEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXX. It’s an important part of attraction, whether the act of ‘doing it’ is important to you or not.  I could go on and on about where this comes from in our evolution as a species that’s really good at creating pair bonds and procreating, but that’s quite a novel of a topic. Just know that flirting is the basis for testing the waters of compatibility with your prospective partner, and flirting breaks down into convincing potential mates that we are verile and worthy of producing offspring. It’s what triggers our desire to pair off with someone, and to eventually be romantic with them.

You are sexy. Say it to yourself. Believe it. You have to believe you are, because if you don’t think you’re sexy, why should your crush?  And even if feeling sexy is a stretch right now, taking the time to learn to flirt and get a little better at it should remedy that.

Step 3 for getting out of the friend zone: Reintroduce yourself to your crush.

You’ve spent some time working on yourself, doing your own thing. It’s time to form a NEW first impression. Leave no doubt in the way you act that you’re not looking to be just her friend. You have to flirt, you have to be confident, and you have to continue spending a lot of your time doing your own thing. Create tension by teasing, and poking fun at light hearted subjects between the two of you. Don’t focus nearly so much on making her comfortable, just do what’s fun for the both of you, disagree when there’s something to disagree about, and make your ideas equal to hers.

Step 4 for getting out of the friend zone: Recognize where things are going.

If she starts flirting back, then build on that! By now you’ve practiced some flirting, you know what’s going on. Things can take a natural course from here. And congratulations, you’re out of the friend zone.

If you’ve done steps 1-3 and she’s still trying to date guys that treat her like crap, if she’s still not being receptive to your flirting and your advances, if she’s just not going there with you no matter how you behave, then it’s time to let it go.  She might be the type of person who seeks out toxic relationships only because she’s got baggage. Or more likely, she really just isn’t attracted to you, and that’s OK!

The thing that’s likely going to suck most about this is that if your feelings for her aren’t reciprocated, you have to cut things off with her and probably stop being her friend for a while. It takes a very strong personality, and possibly a little bit of masochistic tendency, to spend a lot of time around someone you want who will never fulfill the things you desire from them.  If cutting things off hurts their feelings, and if they’re tempted to guilt you into feeling like you’re a pig for wanting all or nothing, take a minute to remind them no matter what you do or say, you can’t change the way they feel about you. And in the same vein, no matter what you try, you can’t change your feelings for them either. Spending your time with them means a lot of wishing, and longing, which will eventually be very painful. If you’re pining away for them, it could also get in the way of finding someone who can reciprocate your feelings if you decide to start dating around. And that’s not fair to you.

Like I said at the beginning, this was never going to be an easy thing to nail down. But I personally think that learning to have fun on your own again, spending the time and energy to learn to flirt, and learning to think of yourself as a sexy beast, are all really valuable things to do anyway!  If you get the girl as a result, all the better!  If she turns you away, you’re locked and loaded for the next one. No more friend zone for you, buddy! I mean- you sexy man, you.

Sincerely,
Pink Hair Girl

If you’ve got a snag in your social life, cramping your g33k style, feel free to ask me for some advice!
Write to pinkhairgirl@g33kwatch.com.