Ever since I started college, I promised myself I would be more outgoing.  I spent a lot of time in high school moslty blending in and avoiding the jerks who bothered me. But since moving into a dorm, being in a new town, new place, I’ve felt like it’s a fresh start, and I should try something different. A part of what was missing in high school, was dating girls. I just didn’t put any effort into it because I didn’t see myself succeeding. So now, I’ve moved past that and I’m plucking up the courage to ask girls out more often. The thing is, I haven’t had any success so far. I’ve asked out a handful of girls but I usually get excuses. Just recently I met a girl in a history class with a Trigun tote bag, so I struck up conversation with her about anime, and we hit it off. I think we have a good time talking, but every time I offer to walk her to her next class, or ask her out for lunch or dinner, she’s always busy. I think we really hit it off, and she hasn’t flat out turned me down, so I’ve got my hopes up. Still, because I haven’t had any success at all, I wonder if there’s something I’m missing. Any ideas?

Sincerely,
Majoring Bachelor

Dear MB,

First let me just say Kudos! And congratulations on taking the opportunity to reinvent yourself. There’s no better time for that than college, I think. Like you said, you’ve found yourself in a whole new place, full of shiny new people, all with shiny new goals of their own. Suddenly, here’s your chance to be anyone you want to be. And from the sound of it, you’re coming through on the promise to yourself to be more outgoing. Just getting over that fear of rejection to ask girls out is a big step, and I’m proud of you!

That being said, I get the feeling that you may be falling victim to some social faux pas. I say so because when trying to wrap my head around your situation, I’ve got a lot of things mentally checked off, and they include the following:

• Anime Geek
• Just now learning how to be more social
• Not much experience with dating
• Asked the same girl out multiple times
• Unaware of what’s going wrong.

These are common ingredients in an awkward penguin pie. Now, I don’t know your situation inside-out, and I’m sure there are lots of details I’m missing. But from these indicators, it’s quite possible you are treading real close to creeper territory. I don’t mean the Minecraft kind. In case you’re not sure what I mean, in the context of dating a creeper can be someone who’s nice, but generally lacks common social etiquette and awareness. Over time, lack of social awareness leads them to eventually say or do something that isn’t entirely appropriate, causing others around them to feel uncomfortable. Even if you’re not socially awkward around your friends, it’s quite possible that you’re doing it without knowing it around girls you like. Take a look at some of these common gaffs and see if any of them ring a bell:

• Finding one thing in common and talking about that and only that. – Think about your conversations. Do they revolve around anime, or history class. What do you know about her other than her anime preferences and the fact that she’s taking a history class with you?
• Quoting TV shows more than twice per conversation. – Spitting out a funny reference at the right time earns instant approval from someone who knows it. So some get the urge to do it again for that same reaction. Unfortunately, the reverse happens when you quote too much. It stops being a conversation and just turns into listening to a tape recorder.
• Bragging about your accomplishments – Sure you want to be impressive, but telling her something that makes you proud of yourself is generally a no-no. Particularly stories you think make you come off as a tough guy. Seriously, just don’t go there.  Don’t be afraid to mention if you do things you love like martial arts, or volunteer at shelters, or you’re with an student activist group. But going into specific detail about your accomplishments is just plain old bragging.
• Dragging out a topic the other person isn’t sure how to contribute to/doesn’t know much about – You might bring up a topic to test the waters, and a girl says she doesn’t know much about it and asks to know more. If she nods politely during a brief summary, you finish the thought and move on. Only stay on unfamiliar topics if the other person is asking lots of questions and seems generally interested. A topic stays relevant if there’s lots of back and forth. If it gets really one-sided, move to the next subject. Better yet, ask her a polite question about herself!
• Bringing up deep or personal topics without leading in to them (religion/politics/money/illness) – Running out of things to say is scary, but some topics require a lead up. It’s hard to prescribe any kind of strict formula for when it’s wrong or right to bring up deeper topics, but usually it’s based on the moment. Current news, or something big happening on campus, these are things you can bring up that lead to deeper conversation. But just busting out with, “So…starving children in Africa, that’s gotta suck!”, usually not a good idea.
• Offering favors that weren’t asked for – “Oh, hey there’s this great book I just finished reading. You would like it. Here, take it, you can borrow it and read it!” This may seem like a nice thing to do, but it puts the other person in a VERY awkward position if they’re not THAT interested in it. If they show a good deal of interest first, then offer a favor. If they turn it down, don’t push. And while we’re at it, do NOT give presents, of any kind, until a person can be considered a genuine friend, not just an acquaintance. (In this context, it would be at the point when you hang out with someone on a regular basis outside of class).
• Oversharing – Avoid mentioning personal information like family drama, personal health, excessive emotions, self pity, past trauma, and generally anything that is deeply revolved around you and only you. These topics should be reserved for private conversations with close friends, not people you WANT to be close friends with.
• Dropping random statements – Also on the list of running out of things to say, is the random comment drop. You think of some random thing that you hope will turn into a full blown topic. But normally, when inputting information in the form of a statement that has nothing to do with the current conversation, leads no where, and just makes things awkward.
• Inappropriate contact – Obviously no touching or hugging until she offers it. But I’m talking more about contact information. If she didn’t tell you to look her up on Facebook, don’t. If she didn’t give you her phone number or screen name, don’t find it and contact her with it. ONLY contact her through the methods that she gives you access to. Even if her email address is obviously her first and last name, do not use that to look up other contact information. This is the information age, and no doubt your Google-Fu is strong, but there have to be boundaries somewhere. Stick with what she gives you.
• Personal hygiene – I’m not making any assumptions either way, but just like Roy from the IT Crowd has to ask “Have you tried turning it off and on again?” You’d be surprised how many times suggesting this makes a difference.  Make sure you shower every single day. Have dandruff? Get special shampoo. Sweating through your shirt? Get a more powerful antiperspirant. Just take care of it. You already do? Awesome. You smell great.

So, you’ve run through this list. If you suspect you’re guilty of any of these, don’t worry it’s not the end of the world. We live, we learn. Honestly, if you’re just coming into your own when it comes to being more socially outgoing, the only way for you to practice is to just do it!  And in that department, you’re succeeding.

But say you looked at these examples, and don’t think you’re crossing the line anywhere. You’re pretty sure everything’s going great, you feel like you’ve got a good handle on talking to girls. And you’re still totally baffled about why this girl hasn’t hung out with you outside of class. In fact, last night you turned into Chuck Norris for five minutes, asked her to dinner and she said she had to wash her hair, even though with one look into her eyes you could purify her soul. Even if you were the most confident person in the world and knew you were doing everything right when asking a girl out, the truth is, you can’t read her mind (unless you’re Chuck Norris).  That being said, listen to this nugget of wisdom I’ve come to cherish:

Someone who is mutually interested in spending time with you, will do what it takes to find a way to spend time with you.

This is true. Believe this one. If you’re sitting around waiting for someone to spend more time with you, stop! Whether it’s a friend, a girl you’re dating, or even a fully blown significant other, if you keep asking for something, and they don’t give it to you, that means they don’t want to. No matter how many excuses they make, no matter how much they say ‘tomorrow maybe’, if you’ve asked multiple times and they don’t come through, then chances are they don’t have the desire to fulfill what it is you’re asking for. This girl you like, even if she’s completely honest when she says she’s busy or doesn’t have time to hang out, if those things are true, then they’re true! She DOESN’T have time to hang out with you, and you can’t fix that for her. And if she’s using them as an excuse to dodge your advances, it means she doesn’t want to hang out with you and is afraid to say it plainly because rejection on both ends can be painful and awkward.

What we tend to do when we like someone is give them lots of extra chances to come through for us. We sometimes even make up excuses for them just to keep them around and hold on to hope. But the truth is, where there’s a will there’s a way. If they don’t hang out with you, it’s because they don’t want to, or they have other priorities that you won’t trump any time soon. That might sound harsh, but if you keep it in mind, you’ll save yourself a lot of effort. When someone gives you an excuse more than once, let it roll off your back, and move on to the next person. Do this until you find someone who’s just as interested in asking YOU out, as you are asking them out.

You’ve obviously given this girl ample opportunities to hang out with you, and she’s turned them all down. It’s time to stop asking her to hang out. Say hi, be nice in class, and continue to be casual and friendly with her when you see her. If she likes you back, and you guys actually do hit it off, she will eventually ask you to hang out. If she doesn’t then it’s no big deal. She’s a nice person who doesn’t happen to be more than an acquaintance. Instead, focus your hopes and energy on finding someone who wants more of your time and attention. To do that, just keep trying. On to the next!

Unless it’s Chuck Norris. Then you wait for him. As long as it takes.

Sincerely,
Pink Hair Girl

If you’ve got a snag in your social life, cramping your g33k style, feel free to ask me for some advice!
Write to pinkhairgirl@g33kwatch.com.