Inital g33kBowl Team Threat Assessments

One of the most fun things to do when running a league or tournament of any type, is to sit down before any game has been played and talk about how good a team is.  Authors of Threat Assessments will try and use past performance in order to indicate how that team or person will do in the future.  This is a fine practice to do for professional sports because you have something to point back to and use as evidence.  For Fantasy Football or Fantasy Sports in general though, it’s not quite as easy.  Granted, if you play with the same group year in and year out, you can certainly find some trends in there.  Some people are really good at drafting, others are fantastic at picking up lesser known players and using them to their utmost potential, and much more.

For the Fantasy Football g33kBowl however, we have no such information.  For many of the people playing this year, it will be their first foray into the geekiness that is Fantasy Sports.  For fuck’s sake man some of these people live across the pond and don’t even have local NFL teams to call their own!  Yet here we are, about to embark on a 14 team league with no knowledge on how the majority of the team owners will perform.

In the spirit of hilarity though, we still have to talk some shit and try and figure out who will have the best team before we start.  I mean that’s half the fun!  Since we don’t have past performances to point to for everyone, then we’ll have to judge the teams based on nothing more than their Team Name and Profile Image.  Very scientific stuff, I know.  So sit back, relax, and enjoy.

Follow our progress all season long at our ESPN Fantasy Football League!  Our online Draft is on Wednesday August 17th at 3:30 PM ET so expect many more updates on where the teams stand after that!

Make special note of “Team 14”.  We are still looking for one more player before next week’s draft and that person can be you!

Profile Image Team
Mars Space Cowboys – Pedro aka Ragero the Raid Boss

The Mars Space Cowboys eh?  Pedro is trying to go for a Cowboy Bebop / Firefly Browncoats reference here. Perhaps you have seen the infamous clip form the TV show Castle?  What brings this down is the mixed signals it gives off.  Is it a Bebop themed team, or is it a Firefly themed team?  Both shows are fantastic, but the combination here reduces the overall synergy.  Given that Pedro will probably not change this, we have to rate his team and his entire season’s performance just on what we have here.

3 Glasses out of 5

Hoboken Dread PiratesChris aka The Gunshow

Very strong concept for a team.  Chris is from New Jersey so making Hoboken his team’s location is a nice touch, and having a love of all things Pirate the name makes sense.  To even add some more geek cred he puts the flag in from Treasure Planetof all things.  The image looks frightening because you have to wonder just what kind of weird aliens are they fighting in the future.  Chris knows, and he’s ready to beat the crap out of us in Fantasy Football to prove it.

4 Glasses out of 5

Zombie Black BearsKristen aka Eco49

I’m afraid of Zombies, Black Bears, and Eco.  Eco doesn’t take crap from anyone and just look at that team image!  It’s scary as shit!  I can only assume that with such a masterful Team Logo that Eco will be ready to go for this Fantasy Football season and that she will be out for blood.  Oh yeah and I think she knows something about NFL Football, but that’s not what is important.  She works at a Park, she could use real life Bears AGAINST US.  Be afraid.

5 Glasses out of 5

The Besaid Aurochs – Katie V aka Katie V

This has some good amount of nerd cred going for it.  A Blitzball team name from the last good Final Fantasy game made completely with ludicrous looking logo.  It’s a really great reference, something that someone wouldn’t immediately get but after a few minutes would chuckle over.  It also gets funnier when you combine it with this picture.  I mean I can picture Katie doing that in the living room after every Fantasy Football victory.  Her one downfall might be that she’s not good enough to get the Jecht Shot.

4 Glasses out of 5

Team Malfunct – Scott aka Malfunct

Malfunct of Game Marathon watching / donating fame has entered into our little Fantasy Football League.  This is his first foray into something like this and as such I don’t think he got the memo on the funny team names.  It’s cool though we won’t hold it against him.  After all what is a Malfunct?  Is he going to make all of our teams malfunction?  That’s some serious shit!  No it’s really the image that we take issue with.  Instead of putting something silly up there, he used the ESPN auto Logo generator.  We’re sorry buddy, but lame!

2 Glasses out of 5

ARRGAN IISOU – Jimmy aka Drakmarth

ARRGAN IISOU is a team name that brings up a lot of questions … actually it just brings up the question of what the fuck does that mean?  Jimmy is offering a cash money donation to Child’s Play if someone can figure out where he got his team name.  So you have a mysterious name, that is cool, but it loses points because no one knows what it’s about, but you gain points again because no one knows what it is about.  It’s the image that ultimately brings down the rating just a little bit.  Eternal Rivals Jimmy and Chris both picked Pirate teams, but Chris was first.

4 Glasses out of 5

Team Caporrino – Christina aka Cappy

A good friend of Gunshow’s, Cappy is trying out Fantasy Football this year and she’s super excited about it.  Unfortunately for the purposes of this evaluation, she has a default ESPN team name and no logo.  That spells doom for her rating, but lucky for her, she’s a girl and that kind of fact really makes a difference to the council.  The council of course being Joey V writing this up when he should be working.  =P

2 Glasses out of 5

Citadel Spectres – Joey V aka Charismatic Guy


That can be the only logical reason that I decided to come up with this team name.  Not to mention that I named myself the Spectres but the logo is for N7 armor which is specific to humans!  I should have used the Spectre logo but noooooooo, just far too cool for that.  Absolutely terrible on my part.

1 Glasses out of 5

NJ Fear Boners – MZ aka MC Chops

Being proud that you are from New Jersey?  That is worth some points.  Having a name that incorporates Boner in the title?  That is worth even more points.  Basing the team name on something from a TV show that is about a group of friends who play in a Fantasy Football League?  That is enough for a 5 out of 5.  My work blocked his Team Logo originally, but all has been fixed!  Very funny, has comic books and meme flair to it and that is good enough for a 5 out of 5.  Of course because of this I have to take away points from Yogi because it’s funnier that way.

5 Glasses out of 5

Scottish Highlanders – Sam aka Majikman

I have seen my fair share of team names try and use the Highlander theme to them.  It’s usually pretty lame but in the case of this team, the fact that Majikman actually lives in Scotland, makes everything all right.  I mean he isa highlander so while he doesn’t get points for originality, he doesn’t lose points for claiming to be something he isn’t.  I deduct small points for the use of the ESPN logo generator, but give them back because Majik wanted to be in this league so much.  I expect a solid outing!

4 Glasses out of 5

Lunaris Robunnys – Yogi aka Lord Goatee

Killer robot bunnys from outer space is such a fantastic idea for a team … on paper.  Unfortunately Fantasy Football is not played on paper.  I mean it can be and it used to be but not anymore!  I would have given a higher score here but the fact that his team logo is a SHUTTERSTOCK image just pisses me off.  I mean really?  You had to use an image with a crazy watermark in it.  That reeks of laziness and I just can’t stand it! Y U NO PHOTOSHOP?!

Extra points taken away because I gave extra to MZ.  You know, being the non-fair person I am!

2 Glasses out of 5

Binary Rock-Jocks – Michael aka The Binary Son

Upon first inspection one might assume that I’m going to really give this team a low threat rating.  Well I thought I was going to as well.  From all accounts Binary hasn’t played much Fantasy Football, and to boot he’s a Buffalo Bills fan which just makes me feel sorry for him.  Yet the name is genius.  He has Binary in there as that is his online persona.  He has rock in there because of his love of climbing rocks in Halo Reach, and he has jocks in there because this is all about jocks.  Not to mention that Rock-Jocks invokes memories of MTV Rock ‘n Jock Sportswhich was amazing.  Oh yeah and his picture is one of the good Star Wars movies.  Winner!

5 Glasses out of 5

English Kniggits – Lee aka Soah

Solid choice.  That’s really all that I can say.  Going with the English Kniggits obviously brings up great memories of Monty Python and the Holy Grail which is enough to make anyone chuckle.  Soah also did the good thing of making his own logo which is appreciated.  The one concern I have is that the logo is all about Soah and has nothing to do with the actual Kniggits team.  Soah may have too much of an attitude problem and a “Me-First”mentality that might destroy his team’s chemistry.  Only time will tell!

3 Glasses out of 5

Team 14

Lame name, lame logo, lame everything!  Although if someone joined the league, took our last spot and named themselves Team 14, that would be hilarious so they should go ahead and do that.  For now though, really shitty rating!

1 Glasses out of 5

Joseph Valenti

Founder of g33kWatch, Joe is the guy who makes sure nobody hurts themselves. Connect with me on Google+


  1. >.> I didn’t make that logo specifically for the team, I made that many months ago. That was a “I need a logo now and don’t have the time to make one” logo. Also I have no clue how this is done, I wanted to learn how to do it through trial and error I ‘spose.

  2. Hey! I’m missing a pair of glasses, why you be stealing from me, Bro?

    And on a technicality basis: the Dastardly Pirate Team of ARRGAN IISOU have been around since 2003.

  3. lol don’t worry bro, it’s all good! Seriously I just needed to get an article up on the site and I thought this would be pretty funny. =P

    Basic gist of how to play Fantasy Football is pretty simple. You draft players from the NFL and they each fill a certain role. You draft a Quarterback like say, Tom Brady, and he fills in your QB role. You do that for all the different positions like Running Back, Wide Receiver, etc.

    From there, each week those players play real NFL games. Depending on how they do, determines how many points you score. For example. Tom Brady finishes the game with 250 yards passing, 3 touchdowns, 1 interception. Let’s break it down.

    QB’s get 1 point for every 25 yards they throw. So that would 10 points (250 / 25 = 10). You get 4 points for each Touchdown thrown so thats another 12 points! That 1 interception though is -2 points. So 10 + 12 – 2 = 20 points. Tom Brady just scored 20 points for you.

    You do similar calculations with the rest of your team’s players. If your total points is higher than the other team you are playing, you win that week!

    I probably should have had a little tutorial like that at an earlier time but that’s the gist. If you have any other questions let me know!

  4. Interesting. Will have to ask friends good choices then so I don’t screw up things haha.

  5. Haha, I love this. 😀

    And don’t be intimidated, Soah, it’s really not as hard as it sounds. If worse comes to worst, the ESPN default draft rankings list should give you a pretty solid base for a team if you don’t have anyone specific you want to go after.

  6. If you need more help on choice and who exactly is who, then check out the ESPN Projections / Profiles. Really helps.

    They also break down each position and give you ESPN’s Rankings on who is “best” at a position. It’s a good guide to use.

  7. look you, i dont have time to be photoshopping watermarks out of stuff lol, and the logo i want to use keeps breaking! Also, I’m thoroughly amused i could piss joey off 😀

  8. Better look out Yogi, I gave extra points to MZ and took some away from you!

  9. Uncalled for! ESDFGSGWREFWEFASGDWREGHWRGHBAER@#%!#$TG im sorry, i mean, i dont know what came over me…. i can has my points back please?

  10. Nope, it’s funnier if I don’t give them to you. =)

  11. You all will fear the RaidBoss’ Space Cowboys. Watch and you will see…

    Joe nailed it, to be honest. I’m working on a better poster that depicts the crossover. Because, I’m a huge geek over both franchises.

  12. Fine, I don’t want them anyway,: harumph:

  13. Cheers for the love! 🙂 Would’ve liked to have a better logo up but alas not 🙁 As long as I don’t have a starting team of Brett Favre, Larry Johnston and Randy Moss I should be pretty ok hehe.

  14. Fear Boners, Rock-Jocks, Zombie Black Bears, OH MY!!!

    Actually, “rock-jock” is a word according to (but not Webster’s but who cares about that guy)

    It means a rock climbing enthusiast. Which I would be, if the rocks didn’t get fear boners and run away from that custom map…

    Anyway, I’ve also just discovered it’s the name of an upcoming movie starring Felicia Day –

    And the photo, like my photo on my Twitter page, is Luke standing (on the ROCKS of Tatooine) staring off at the Binary Sunset (name derived from John Williams’ title for the theme during that scene…and science I guess) during one of the greatest scenes in one of the greatest movies ever made. It is a scene that has had an undeniable influence in my life…

    …hence my online persona!!!

    P.S. – If a more accurate picture is desired, someone find mea picture of Luke throwing the rock during the scene from ROTJ with the rancor – I couldn’t find one.

  15. I am still missing my glasses! This is racism! You’re all racists! I demand justice!

  16. How dare you Drakmarth?! We’re many things, but we are certainly not racists.

    We’re baldists.

  17. Pingback: 2012 g33kBowl Fantasy Football | Post Draft Team Assessments | g33kWatch

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